


And Then...

by Whisperingly (Glammons)



Series: After Universe [3]
Category: Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, Eventual Happy Ending, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Relationship Problems
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-13
Updated: 2018-11-13
Packaged: 2019-08-23 06:11:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16613426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Glammons/pseuds/Whisperingly
Summary: They were supposed to be happy, that was the plan - be happy. But after everything is that even possible?It's been two years since the birth of their daughter, and both Sara and Peebee are learning that not all wounds heal.





	And Then...

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This story will make more sense if you read my story 'After' first. This is something that happens kinda in the middle of After that I never really touched on.
> 
> Also there are a ton literally a ton of continuity issues in this story. I recognize that. But I literally spent so much time on this that I can’t go back to it right now. So I hope you can enjoy it reguardless of the issues. It’s still a good story imo.

_ Peebee laughed, a high clear sound. She leaned forward kissing Sara. In that moment it didn’t matter that she’d been benched. That it would be three years before they returned to the Tempest. It didn’t matter that Sara wouldn’t live to see Amara turn 40. All that mattered to them both in that moment was that they loved each other - and had a daughter to show for it.  _

A few months they had said at the time - Cora would stay on the Tempest with her children and run it for two months. Three tops. And then three became six and one year became two years. And with each passing month Peebee felt her unhappiness grow - mainly because of Sara.  

It just wasn’t the same. The difference in their lives with Amara verses without Amara - things just weren’t the same. Their feelings weren’t the same. Peebee felt like she still loved Sara, but in a more fearful cautious way. She has brushed death and it had  _ ruined  _ her. It didn’t help that Sara was jousting to get back on the Tempest every second of everyday - why couldn’t she just live in the moment it was just - . Peebee stopped the thought before it could reach its conclusion. They’d promised to try and understand what the other was feeling.

Peebee was laying in bed, just thinking. Sara had gotten up hours ago, leaving Peebee sleeping. A massive difference from the days when she’d crawl back into bed nestling next to her with Amara on her chest. Now she just sat out in the living room watching Amara play while talking to Cora over the omnitool. That had started a few weeks ago. Peebee sighed burying her head in her hands again. It didn’t help they hadn’t had sex in months - and it had been longer since they had entered more than just a shallow meld. 

She pulled her omnitool out again scrolling through an article she’d found on the extranet again.  _ 76% of alien pairings fail, due to differences in lifespan, culture and expectations.  _ That was the line that had jumped out at her when she first read this article 7 months ago. It had reassured her back then. When she was still all in, when she loved Sara so much it hurt that they were both unhappy. They didn’t worry about any of those things, now the only part that jumped out at her was the 76%. They were more likely to break-up then they were to stay together.  

How much did she love Sara? That was a question she found herself asking a lot. At first she’d loved Sara so much it hurt - it stabbed deep into her chest when she and Sara fought. When they argued over when they’d go back to the Tempest, about how Cora wanted out, about how Sara was tired of sitting on this planet, and about how Peebee wasn’t interested in risking her life again. Fight after fight after  _ fight _ . Each one cutting deeper and deeper into her - how could she protect herself? How could she lessen that pain any other way then to pull away back into her shell? Amara was Sara’s daughter. They had Amara to think of. She couldn’t break their family so the only thing she could do was pull away. It still hurt but the blows faded. 

She closed her eyes again taking deep breaths in and out. What did she want? She wanted that blissful first year back - she thought about that year a lot. When they were planning on going back to the Tempest, when they had a brand new daughter. When everything seemed perfectly imperfect. When this strange fear didn’t consume her. But with every passing day she began to realize that she wasn’t going to have that again - things had changed. 

She sat up in bed curling her arms around her legs and rocking back and forth. She needed out. Peebee needed out. “Sara?” Peebee called out, her voice almost breaking. She couldn’t do this anymore. Sara appeared around the corner a small frown on her face as she looked down at her omnitool. 

“Yeah?” She asked walking into the room still not looking at the asari. She finally looked up, a small amount of concern on her face now. She reached out to put her hand on Peebee’s shoulder but the asari leaned back. “What’s wrong?” Sara asked, leaning back not making anymore moves to touch her wife. Peebee closed her eyes taking a deep breath, then she exhaled.

“I need you to go back to the Tempest.” Peebee said slowly, and a brief flick of confusion passed across Sara’s face. Then it hardened into understanding. Maybe they both knew this had been coming. 

“So that’s it then? We’re done?” Sara said slowly, looking anywhere but at Peebee’s face.

“I think we both need a break. I can’t keep doing this Sara. The fighting - we’re making each other miserable.” Peebee said, and this time she initiated the contact reaching out to grab Sara’s hand. The human didn’t pull her hand back, holding Peebee’s tighter. 

“You’re right.” Sara said slowly this time looking up and making eye contact with the asari. “I’ll call Cora. The Tempest can be here by nightfall.” Sara stood up, taking her hand away. 

Peebee opened her mouth and then closed it. So much left unsaid. But for the first time in months the weight on her chest was gone. It finally felt like she was just a little bit free. 

 

***************************************************

She watched as Sara walked up the ramp to the Tempest, bag slung over her shoulder. Peebee held Amara standing on the porch of the tiny house. Sara paused at the top, looking back at the two asari on the porch. She waved, and Amara waved back her little hand moving back and forth furiously. “Bye Mame!” She called out, her little voice still adorably sweet. Sara flashed a wide smile before disappearing up the ramp. 

“Bye Sara.” Peebee whispered, watching as the Tempest shot off into space. She took a deep breath in and then out. She tightened her hold on Amara, and her daughter hugged her back. 

“Don’t worry momma, Mame said she loves us very much and she’ll be back.” Amara chirped a wide smile on her face. Peebee smiled back at the little girl. She was sure Sara would be back - for Amara. If there was anyone Sara would watch the world burn for, it was Amara. And that's saying something, because Sara had always rushed to put out the fire.   

 

**************************************************************

The second the bridge closed the team was on her: Gil, Suvi, Lexi, Cora, Vetra, Drack, Liam - even 17 year old Meri was clustered around Sara.

The barrage of question, how was Amara, how was Peebee, why was she coming back alone, were things okay, was this permanent.

“Calm. Calm.” Sara said, waving her hands up and down. This team. She didn’t see them  nearly as much as she liked. Despite the weight in her chest over all the problems that had developed in her marriage her heart swelled to be with the other half of her family. “Amara is fantastic. She’ll be up to see everyone in about two weeks. I’m here to stay. Peebee….is fine. We’re taking a break.” Sara explained slowly, lowering her bag to the ground. “Also I’m going to be staying in the escape pod. Also I’m fine, and no I don’t want to talk about it.” 

No one spoke. The silence reverberating through the space. Sara nodded slowly, almost to herself - that was it she was captain again. She picked up her bag, Liam and Suvi stepped back to let her through and she entered the escape pod. She closed the door behind her, firmly locking it behind her. No interruptions. She slid down the door slowly, looking at this room. Still scattered with bits of unfinished tech even 3 years later. 

“What have I done SAM?” She whispered, looking down at her hands.

“Pathfinder, it appears you have returned to the Tempest, resuming active pathfinder duties.” SAM said in his monotone voice. Still as clueless as ever. Sara had tried to teach him about love over the years, but it never really stuck. Maybe now she could teach him about mistakes. 

***********************************************************************

It wasn’t that Sara had ever really stopped loving Peebee. Maybe it was just at some point making her happy began to matter less. Understanding her feelings and wishes began to matter less. Listening to her began to matter less. And then it was a slippery slope where Peebee began to matter less. And that's where she found herself on the morning that Peebee asked her to leave. At the bottom of hill, knowing exactly how she had gotten there, but with no real idea of how to climb back up. So she did what she hadn't been doing for months - she listened. Peebee wanted a break. She’d give her a break - them a break. She’d find a way to fix this.

What had she been thinking? Was this job really that important to her? Why did she do this? How did she realize this was happening and then just not care? Or notice? Was it too late?   
She was laying on the row of seats staring at the ceiling, thinking of all the times she and Peebee had floated here. Back when Peebee could ask Sara for anything and Sara would comply. Until Peebee wanted her to give up this - the Tempest. It wasn’t even that she wanted Sara to give it up - it was that Peebee didn’t want to come back. This was where they had fallen in love - this adventure it was why they had fallen in love. They had gotten married outside this ship. They had decided to have a daughter on this ship. They helped people on this ship. The Tempest had been everything to them. If it wasn’t everything to Peebee anymore, what did she mean to her?

Did Peebee even love her anymore? If this had changed - if what they wanted had changed, what else had changed? She started at the ceiling harder this time as if it might give up it’s secrets. Tell her what she had done wrong. Then a light knock at the front door. 

“Come in Cora.” Sara said still not getting up, hand behind her head. The blond entered, Sara looked up at her. It was the first time in a few months that they’d seen each other, really seen each other. Her hair was longer - it made her look less brutal, more soft. “When are we going to drop you back off on the Nexus?”

Sara didn’t look at Cora, but she could imagine the look on her second-in-command’s  face. “I’m not going anywhere. Not until I know you’re okay.” Cora said slowly, sinking down to sit at Sara’s feet.

“I’m fine.” Sara said, still staring at the ceiling. “I told you I’m fine. Everything is fine.” Sara head the work ‘fine’ reverberate in her head over and over again. Almost like it was mocking her. That’s what she’d said the past year, as things fell apart. That it was fine. 

“Sara. I know you’re not fine. I know...Scott said you like to pretend everything is fine when thing are falling apart. But you don’t have to pretend with me. It’s okay if it isn’t fine.” Cora said softly, placing her hand on Sara’s knee. 

Being a mother really had changed her. Being with Scott had changed her. Losing Scott - that had changed her more. She wasn’t the same person that Sara met when she woke up from stasis 17 years ago. She wasn’t just her friend anymore - she was her brother’s wife. The mother of her nieces. She was a vital member of her rapidly shrinking family. 

“I screwed it up Cora. I had everything and I screwed it up. Because I don’t know how to give up Pathfinder. And I don’t think I ever can.” She said, still staring at the ceiling. Part of her knew that if she even glanced at Cora she would lose it. “So I need this. This is all I have left.”

*****************************************************************************

It was two weeks before Peebee saw Sara again. And for the first time in a long time her heart didn’t ache. There was no fighting - no arguing. It was just her and Amara. She didn’t want to admit that part of her missed Sara. Missed the good things - but it hadn't been all good. The bad had started to outweigh the good.

She hadn’t opened any of the emails. One from almost every crew member - even Meri had sent her one. She didn’t want to know. She didn’t want to answer their questions when she couldn’t even answer her own. The entire situation was just….confusing. She hated it. 

But still Sara was on her doorstep two weeks later. Peebee had packed Amara a bag, and she was all dressed and ready to go. Sara knocked on the door a few minutes before she was supposed to arrive. Peebee yanked it open, and was surprised that seeing Sara made her smile just a tad. Sara’s face was drawn - stressed. And then Amara can rushing out, slamming into Sara’s legs. “Mame! Mame!” 

And then happiness enveloped Sara’s face as she scooped up the tiny asari. Peebee smiled, Amara’s bag slung over her shoulder. “Here.” She said holding the bag out. Sara shift Amara to one arm - grabbing the bag with the other. 

“Thanks. I’ll see you in two weeks?” Sara said, already backing up. “Sorry. I’m supposed to be at the Nexus tomorrow.  

“That’s fine. And Sara?” Peebee said stepping forward onto the porch. The human glanced back, a question in her eyes. “No Kadara.” Sara’s eyes darkened just a tab and then she nodded. The human turned away, walking back towards the ship. Amara waved furiously over her shoulder, and Peebee smiled waving back.

Sara didn’t look back. That was something Peebee realized, last time she had looked back. But this time the bridge closed - Sara and Amara safely inside. She did notice one thing - Cora. Standing at the top hands across her chest. The human was still there. Very odd.

*****************************************************************************

B’sayle - 

I don’t know what’s going on but I do know this isn’t 

Peebee - 

Sara is a mess, everyone’s a mess, we’re all just confused 

PB - 

Have some leads on new remnant tech on some newly  discovered plants, want the

 

Pelessaria -

Sara won’t say what’s happened, but I think you should know 

 

They all said the same things in different ways. “Come back!” “We miss you!” “Sara is a mess!” One from Liam, from Vetra, from Lexi, from Gil, from Suvi - even Meredith had sent a letter asking after her. Peebee hadn’t answered any of them. She didn’t want to. It asked too many of the same questions she asked herself. One from everyone. Except Cora. 

Cora- 

Is she okay? You’re still there so she must not be. Is it bad? Escape pod bad or not speaking to anyone bad? You know...it’s just been hard. The worry. I’m sorry.

 

-Peebee 

 

The email was sent with a zing. Peebee fell back on the pillows omnitool falling to the side. Cora was still there. Sara had come back and taken Amara - and she hadn’t looked back. She hadn’t said anything. That had to mean she was fine. 

Now wasn’t the time for such thoughts. She shouldn’t care about if Sara cared - she’d told Sara to go. Her omitool buzzed again, a message from Cora. That had been quick. 

Peebee-

She’s not okay. We both know that, but she told me not to get involved, so I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt. I was married to a Ryder - I just, I know.

-Cora 

_ “I was married to a Ryder - I just, I know.”  _ Peebee mulled over that sentence. Her thought turning to Scott. Sara rarely discussed him - even if he was the reason things were the way they were. Their daughter, not their current relationship problems.  Peebee knew it hurt too much - Sara had lost her father, her brother, and her mother was lost to her too. Thinking of Scott was too much. 

The day he died Peebee remembered him arguing with Cora over the omnitool - her telling him it was to dangerous, he had next to no field experience. He telling her he had to go, Sara needed his help. Sara grinning after Cora  had hung up. “It’ll be fine!” She’d chirped grabbing her brother round the shoulders. Peebee had laughed too - this was back when it was just the three of them against the world. Those few months, Peebee felt like she was really apart of Sara and Scott’s family. She was the love of Sara’s life, Scott treated her like another sister. Sara was always smiling and joking, hair flying a smile on her face. It was...perfect. The world was perfect.

And then those bullets had gone flying into Scott’s chest - right next to her. She still remembered the scream that had been ripped out of Sara’s chest - like she’d also been shot. He was dead before he hit the ground. Then those images - Scott smiling with his newborn daughters, Scott grinning at their wedding, Scott holding Sara as she sobbed over their mother, - Scott. A presence in her life that was as powerful as Sara’s. And then he was gone. And within a year and half - Amara was born. Conceived 14 hours after Scott’s death. In some ways Amara had attended his funeral. It had been six months before they told anyone they had a daughter on the way.

Scott - he’d ensured their marriage, and he’d made their daughter’s birth possible. Sara viewed him as a saint in her head - and somewhere along the way Peebee had done the same. Would things be different if he had lived?  

 

*****************************************************************************

It was 2 months of civility. Carfully passing a very happy child back and forth between them. Sara still felt that heavy pain in her chest. That heavy pain of knowing she was slowly losing someone that meant the world to her.

The second time she picked Amara up Cora was on her like a fly. “Did you ask her to talk?” She asked. Sara shot a look at Amara, but the little girl was already running off onto the ship.

“What’s there to say? I hurt her. She hurt me. I don’t know what to do to make her happy.” Sara said slowly. Over the past few weeks she began to think that giving up pathfinder wouldn’t be enough. 

“You have to ask. You have to have a rational discussion like adults. And don’t tell me you have. I know Peebee. And I know you.”  Cora said quickly placing her hand on Sara’s shoulder.

“She doesn't want me anymore. She asked me to go. I don’t want to...I don’t want to hurt her anymore.” Sara said, sliding down against the wall, putting her head in her hands. This. This was what pain felt like.

“If you think being away from you isn’t causing her pain then you don’t really know Peebee.” Cora said quickly, now kneeling in front of Sara. Sara opened her eyes to see Cora’s blazing. 

“You’ve been talking to her.” Sara said, it wasn’t a question.

“I told Scott that If anything ever happened to him I’d take care of you. Do you really want me to break that promise?”

****************************************************************************

Sara stood outside the door a week later. She had told Peebee she needed to stop by and get some things. She hadn’t told Cora that - she knew her friend wouldn’t approve. Peebee yanked the door open a smile on her face. 

“Oh, did you not bring Amara?” She asked, the smile sliding off. Sara tried to pretend that didn’t hurt.

“I wanted to talk to you. Alone.” Sara said slowly, hands in her pocket shuffling on the front doorstep like this hadn’t been her home.

Peebee didn’t say anything, but she did step back, giving Sara entrance to the house. The Asari walked deeper in the house, down the hall to their bedroom. Sara followed slowly. Sara’s duffel bag was out on the bed. Empty. Peebee had been ready for Sara to take her things and  _ go. _

“I have a serious question. What happened? What changed?” Sara said slowly, trying to push back the anger that had started to bubble in her chest.

“Nothing changed. I wasn’t happy. You certainly weren’t happy. Why would we want to keep making each other miserable?” Peebee said slowly, her voice defensive. Sara tried to remember she had asked the questions. Tried to remember that this was her wife and she loved her.

“I loved you. I loved  _ you. _ You...didn’t try to fix anything.” Sara said, her voice nearly cracking. Peebee still stood on the other side of the bed arms across her chest. A shield. 

“That’s it. I can’t fix a problem when the problem is you.” Peebee said, finally looking up. She stormed across the room grabbing a handful of Sara’s things out of the drawer. Sara’s mouth widened in shock. 

“Me? I’m the problem? I woke up one morning and you had become someone I didn’t even recognize!” Sara said her voice becoming louder until it was barely under a shout.

“I became someone you didn't recognize? Well you became someone who’s too invested in her hero cape!” Peebee shot back, still angrily throwing more of Sara’s things into the open bag on their bed. 

“I’m too invested in my hero cape? That’s fucking hilarious coming from someone who was so invested in technology that they almost got themselves killed along with our daughter!” Sara shot back this time grabbing Peebee’s hands roughly to stop her from putting more things in the bag.

Peebee froze eyes flickering up to meet Sara’s. The human’s eyes were blazing but Peebee could see just a hint of regret in her eyes. The human’s face crumpled a second later. 

“I’m sorry that was a low-” Sara started to say dropping Peebee’s hands. The anger had dissipated from the room in an instant. Peebee sighed a low heavy sound. She looked down at her hands again. This time thinking about the scars that criss-crossed her side, still white and hard on her skin. Feeling those bullets rip into her, knowing the baby inside her wasn’t safe - that she hadn’t been able to protect her even when she was inside of her. She reached up, cupping Sara’s face in her right hand. Sara moved towards her, sliding over the bed. 

Peebee was suddenly pressed against the wall, hot hungry kisses moving down her neck before returning to her lips. Every inch of Sara pressed against her, Peebee own arms flung around her pulling her closer. Every part of her was screaming  _ Yes, yes, YES.  _ For a few seconds everything felt right again. And then Sara stopped pulling away, and Peebee released her. She slide down against the wall sitting on the floor. Sara sank down next to her, about an inch was between them. They were both breathing heavily, and Peebee could almost still imagine that Sara was pressed against her. 

“You don’t love me anymore - I can’t do this. Not now.” Sara said quietly looking down at her hands. Being here again, seeing Peebee, touching her, kissing her - for just a few blissful moments it had felt like everything was the same. 

“Don’t say that.” Peebee whispered, also looking down at her hands. It wasn’t that she didn’t love Sara - she did. She felt that she always would, but she didn’t love the person Sara had become. “I still love you. That’s why I can’t do this. Love shouldn’t hurt.” Sara didn't say anything for a few minutes.

“You know I’ll give it up. If that’s what you really want. I’ll give up the Tempest.” Sara said quietly, and Peebee could feel her eyes bearing into the side of her head. But that wasn’t what Peebee wanted - making Sara give up something she was devoted to. That wasn’t what she wanted. She wasn’t sure what she wanted, not anymore. 

“You and I both know that’s not what I want.” Peebee said quietly. “I just want us to both be happy.” She continued. This time, looking up to meet Sara’s eyes.

“You know...it didn’t just happen to you. That day - we both put her at risk. I just...if I could stop that from happening to anyone else. I would.” Sara said quietly her hand tightening on Peebee’s. 

“I know. We just...never really talked about that day, did we? Maybe we just didn’t think it mattered. I just…” Peebee said, blinking rapidly. It wasn’t very often that something could bring her to tears. But the idea of not having Amara - of not being Amara’s mother. It made her lose her breath.

“I understand. We had her, we were together, she was safe in our arms, but it was a trama. We can move past that can’t we?” Sara said, her voice low, this time her hand reaching up to touch Peebee’s cheek.

“It’s not just that time Sara - you almost died in that kett facility when you stopped your own heart, you almost died controlling that remnant technology, you dive into fires and bullets - into danger. You don’t even care about your own life.” Peebee said the words just spilling out rapidly. Sara opened her mouth almost in protest. “No don’t. I know what you’re going to say. I was right behind you, I did the same things, we were both doing it to help people, to save this world.” Peebee took a deep breath, Sara had stopped trying to speak. “And I didn’t care. I loved it. I loved you. Everything about it was everything I ever wanted. But then three bullets ripped into my side and almost killed our daughter. I’m afraid. I’m afraid of that happening again.” This time Peebee sank into Sara’s arms. Feeling like a massive weight was off her chest.

“Will you meld with me? I know it’s been awhile, but can I show you my memories from that day?” Sara said her voice soft, arms wrapped loosely around the asari. Peebee sighed, and then slowly nodded her head. She reached out, and touched Sara’s mind. Even after all these months it still felt like home. She felt herself getting pulled gently into a memory and she went willingly.

**********************************************************************************

“That’s it! That’s all of them!” Sara shouted a massive smile on her face. Joy rushed through her body. She loved this. Loved fighting with her wife loving feel the thrill of battle - knowing they were getting something useful, knowing this tech was going to help people. She had lost sight of Peebee in the midst of it, but she was sure Vetra was with her. The turiaan hadn’t thought this was a good idea. But Peebee had wanted to go - she was still a month from her due date - Sara hadn’t seen the harm. 

_ “Sara, get over here NOW. I’ve already called an evac shuttle Lexi’s on it.”  _ Vetra’s voice was hard and forceful over the comms. Sara froze, and she walked towards where she knew Vetra and Peebee were. She turned the corner around the big piece of metal in the ground. And there she was. Laid out on the ground blood leaking from her side - from where their daughter was. Vetra was already rapidly wrapping the bandages around the wounds.

“Medigel won’t work too deep.” Peebee gasped out, staying still. “Sedate me. Sara. Sedate me. Save her first. Save the baby first.” Sara dropped to her knees. Hands moving almost without a will of their own, pressing the sedation into Peebee’s leg. She grabbed her hand.

“Sara. Hold pressure.” Vetra’s voice broke through the haze. She moved her hands, putting pressure on the spot just above Vetra’s hands. She felt movement under her hands. 

“The baby. She’s moving.” Sara whisper, even as she watched blood leak out between her fingers despite the pressure

“Two minutes Sara. They’ll be here in two minutes. Keep it together.” Vetra said, pushing move gauze on top of the wounds even as the blood leaked through it. Sara took deep breaths, even as they became faster and more shallow. She had done this. She had caused this. She had been the one that agreed to even go on this goose chase. She focused on the movement of the baby. Their daughter still alive. That mattered. Peebee was still alive. Suddenly the wind and sand whipped up around them. The evacate shuttle. It was here. 

Lexi jumped out before it had even landed all the way, Liam behind her. Thirty seconds later Peebee was on the stretcher, Sara still pressing into the wounds. 

“The baby is in distress. One of the bullets may have penetrated the uterus. Her heart rate is dropping.” Lexi said, punching furiously into a datapad. “Dammit.” She growled.

“Get her out. Get the baby out!” Sara snapped, still pressing into Peebee’s side. She didn’t feel the baby moving anymore. 

“If I cut her open she’ll lose more blood. There’s no telling -” Lexi started to say, still punching numbers. Liam had attached the monitors, pushing more fluids into Peebee via and IV Sara hadn’t even seen him insert. She’d forgotten he had medical training. 

“I don't care. She doesn’t care - if she wakes up and our daughter is dead nothing will even matter. You have to save the baby. It’s her daughter - it’s the daughter she always wanted but I would never agree to. Save her.” Sara said quickly, staring at Peebee’s face. sHe’d walk through fire to save her wife. But in this instance saving their daughter meant more to Peebee then her own life ever would. That was one thing Sara knew for certain.

“Sara I-” Lexi started to say, hesitating. 

“Do it.” Vetra barked already grabbing the medical kit and thrusting the scalpel into Lexi’s hands.

Sara looked away for a few seconds before refocusing. It took 2 minutes maybe three and then Lexi was pulling out the little blue form. A rush of blood out of the uterus followed her birth. She wasn’t breathing. That was the first thing Sara noticed about her daughter - her first daughter. 

“Give her to me.” Sara said, hands already reaching for the baby. Two pumps on her heart, one breathe. A single gasp and then crying filled the shuttle. Sara clung to her. To that sound. The monitors continued to beep telling her Peebee was still breathing. Telling her that her wife - the mother of the daughter in her arms was still alive. Then she looked down, seeing Lexi frantically working over Peebee, Vetra doing chest compressions. She had saved their daughter. But at what cost?

Sara sank to the floor despite it being covered in watery blood, holding the baby close to her chest. 

 

********************************************************************************

Peebee gasped, pulling away and breaking the meld before Sara ended it. All the pain and sadness mixed with a weird sort of hope. It was intense. She hadn't known. She had no recollection of begging Sara to save their daughter - no recollection of their daughter being born in the shuttle. No one had ever told her that Amara was born not breathing - that they’d both nearly died rushing away from Eos’s surface. 

That kind of damage. The deep scars that had left on Sara’s mind - Peebee hadn’t noticed them before. She had no idea the effect that day had on her wife. And maybe that was the problem. Sara hadn't told her how hard it had been. Peebee didn’t tell her that the idea of going back - terrified her. But she could understand now - maybe a little bit more why going back mattered to Sara. That sense of powerlessness - did being Pathfinder ease that just a little bit? 

“I don’t want anything like that to ever happen to me again. That’s why I can’t go back. I felt those bullets rip into my side and tear through me. I just I can’t -” Peebee said her voice tense holding eye contact with Sara for the first time in months. 

“Peebee - I’m not asking you to go back into the field. I’m not asking you to put your life at risk again - you don't have to step  foot on Kadara for the rest of your life if you don’t want too. I’m not saying things will be easy, but I’m asking you to come with me.” Sara said, taking Peebee’s hands in hers. 

“Sara - we - this isn’t a solution. This is me just giving in.” Peebee said shaking her head softly. “I just - this - I can’t keep doing this if this isn’t going to work.” Her voice became tight again. 

“When we got married you promised me you wouldn’t run,” Sara said her voice low.    
Peebee opened her mouth prepared to protest, but Sara continued to talk. “I promised you that I would never give you a reason to.” Peebee began to shake her head again. Resignation and a hint of anger on her face. “I gave you a reason, so I broke my promises before you ever considered it. I have to learn to live with my choices.”

“Sara I just...I don’t love you. I don’t think I’ll ever love you the way I did again. And I can’t be back on the Tempest if I don’t.” Peebee said slowly her hand still curled around Sara’s. “We broke this. You and I. We both have to live with that.” 

Sara didn’t say anything for a long time. Neither of them did.  They sat there hands curled around each other. Peebee tried to pretend that what she was saying wasn’t a  _ lie _ . Because if she had realized one thing these past couple of months it wasn’t that she didn’t love Sara. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to die. It wasn’t that she wanted Sara to give up Pathfinder. It was that she knew now that Sara was going to die. Not today. But some day, and giving Sara up seemed better than loving her when she died. The only problem was that she didn’t seem to have stopped caring for Sara in the slightest. 

At some point Sara got up, took the bag, and left. 

**********************************************************

“You’re afraid, aren’t you? Of losing her? And then losing yourself?” Cora asked leaning against the door frame. Peebee has her head in her hands, thoughts racing. Everything in her screaming that she had to go after Sara, but she still sat there. Unmoving. 

“I...I don’t know. I’m just...I can’t do it. I can’t survive that. And I can’t ask her to stop being Pathfinder because she’ll still die. And If I did, if I could live with that, how would I live knowing I put my happiness before the planets?” Peebee said slowly. “If those bullets taught me one thing, it’s that no one is safe. Not me. Not Amara. Not  _ Sara. _ ” Peebee’s voice broke on that last word. Cora had seen the truth. How could she not? She was the embodiment of all of Peebee’s worst fears. 

“You’re right. We live lives that mean we are constantly in the fire, and sometime we’re going to get burned. You did. Scott was engulfed in them.” Cora said slowly, still not moving. She and Peebee didn’t have the kind of relationship where Cora would comfort her. 

“How did you live with that? How did you come back from that?” Peebee asked, looking up. For a long time the idea of Sara dying had seemed so..foreign and far off. But then she, herself has almost died, and Scott was lost as well. 

“Scott died. And it broke me, I was broken for a long time, but I did get better. It did get better,” Cora said the last part twice as if she was still trying to convince herself she was okay. “And if I could save myself all that pain by never meeting him, would I?” She paused at this part, but there was no hesitation on her face. She looked right into Peebee’s eyes. “The answer is no. I would do it all again - go through it all again to love him. I would go through all that pain and all that loss for him.”

“I - I just. The fighting, all that pain building up in my chest. I get it now - I get why we were unhappy. All those secrets. But how can I go back to her, knowing that kind of pain could happen? That I could cause that kind of pain to her?” Peebee said quietly, listing off all the reasons she had. Maybe things would be better this way. Maybe this would make everything easier - maybe not today, but someday. 

“Does your fear make you love Sara any less?” Cora asked promptly her eyes still boring into Peebee. 

Peebee didn’t answer that question. She just fell back on her bed still staring up at the ceiling. She didn’t know what to do anymore.

 

************************************************************

After Sara and Cora left Peebee spent a lot of time just thinking. Laying on the couch - thinking. Laying on the sand - thinking. Laying in her bed - thinking. Climbing up onto the cliffs surrounding the house - thinking. It had been almost six months. Six months of them barely talking - shuffling Amara back and forth. Six months for the memories off all their fights to fade. Was it really worth going back to that? Peebee couldn’t even remember what they had been fighting about. 

She remembered being afraid. She has still been feeling stinging pains shoot through her side. The world was still dangerous - but now she realized Sara was scared of the the same things. Sara just dealt with her fear - differently. Peebee wanted to deal with it by running, and Sara wanted to fight it. 

What had they even been fighting about? That was another thing that she thought about a lot. She remembered Sara wanting to go back, and Peebee brushing her off every time. Sara being patient at first - and then getting more frustrated. Then fighting about when they’d go back. Sara being upset Peebee wouldn’t tell her  _ why  _ she didn't’t want to go back. Peebee’s thoughts being consumed with the memories of Cora’s face when she was told that Scott died. How could Peebee tell Sara that  _ Sara _ was the reason she didn’t want to go back?

It was the obsession with pathfinder - that’s what she said. And Sara was already upset so she didn’t care to push deeper. Slowly but surely Peebee had managed to destroy their relationship - because she was afraid. And that hurt. That fear with the constant fighting. And so she had asked Sara to leave. 

It hadn’t helped. That was something she realized quickly. That she still loved Sara, and now she couldn’t even remember the hurt. And Sara blamed herself for not listening, but Peebee had screwed it all up again in the end.

Had it been worth it? Had Amara been worth it? Had that massive amount of love she had for Sara been worth it? Was it worth all this fear she would continue to feel? Peebee wasn’t sure. But she did know that she wasn’t going to stop loving Sara. Distancing herself from the impact hadn’t worked. It anything happened to Sara she would miss her more than words could say. 

************************************************************

_ Buzz, buzz, buzz. _ The omitool rang annoyingly on Peebee’s wrist. She was laying on the dirt in the cliffs above her house - thinking again. She didn’t like being interrupted. She sighed holding it up to her face. Cora. She pressed decline. She didn’t want to talk to anyone. 

_ Buzz, buzz, buzz. _ It rang again. This time Peebee sat up, another angry sigh. She held it up accepting the call. “Cora, this really isn’t-” She started to say, but the human cut her off. 

_ “Peebee, Sara was shot in the stomach, her condition - it’s critical.”  _

************************************************************

It was a simple mission. That was what Cora would say to anyone that asked. That’s why she and Sara had brought Meredith. It was a simple mission to Kadara to stop some smugglers. No one expected they to be there in massive numbers.

It was a massacre - for the other side. They weren’t there is numbers but Sara and Cora could handle it. Meredith was even doing her fair share. And then Gil’s daughter had made a mistake - Cora knew she hadn’t seen the merch’s behind that crate or she would have never started to go through the open area. Sara’s shield’s were down - and that didn’t stop her from  _ diving  _ in front of Meredith. The teenager had screamed, and within seconds Cora had stood up, killing the two merchs that had hurt Sara and Meri had dragged Sara into cover. Within 3 minutes they had the evac shuttle on the ground. 

Cora tried not to look at all the blood. Lexi worked quickly, Meri slumped in the corner head in her hands. “It’s not your fault Meredith.” Cora said, still helping Lexi press gauze into the wounds. Sara wasn’t conscious - that was good. Cora didn’t think she could deal with that. 

This reminded her too much of Scott. They made it to the hospital and Lexi disappeared with Sara. She said something to Cora - Cora wasn’t sure what. The entire thing was a blur. She could barely think. She could barely breathe. Seh called Peebee. 

************************************************************

Sara had been shot. That was the only thought pounding through her mind. Sara was shot. That was all Cora said on the phone, just repeating that over and over. Peebee got the location of the hospital from her, and then hung up. Cora wasn’t okay. When she landed on Kadara it was all she could do to not jump off the shuttle before it landed. She brushed past the guards at the entrance to the small port without a word. They knew who she was. She walked quickly to the small medical center. She knew the team was probably here. Amara was probably here. 

Peebee had said no Kadara. That was her one rule. Amara was not allowed on Kadara. Somehow it didn’t matter - Sara was hurt. Was she dead? Was she dying? Would the last thing she ever heard from Peebee really be “I don’t think I can love you anymore”? She couldn’t live with that. It was a lie. The door swished open in front of her. The one thing that could stop her sitting in the waiting room. Bouncing on Liam’s knee. Amara. The little girl was laughing, not scared, not frantic. Laughing. In one second she realized Liam had been tasked with keeping the little asari calm. And he was doing it - she was fine. She didn’t let Amara see her.

Peebee walked quickly down the hallway to her left, peeking into rooms as she went by. In the hallway in front of her Cora stepped out, arms across her chest. She spotted Peebee at once, taking the five shot steps she needed to reach the asari.

“She’s fine. She’s hurt, but she’s going to be fine. Amara wasn’t with her - she was safe on the Tempest.” Cora said quickly, arms crossed over her chest. “She was being stupid. So stupid -” It was good. Cora wasn’t panicked - not anymore. That had to mean Sara was going to be fine. 

“Can I see her? I need to see her.” Peebee asked bouncing on the balls of her feet, glancing around Cora. 

“Didn’t you see Amara, she’s out front with -” Cora started to say pointing in the direction of the lobby.

“Sara. I want to see Sara.” Peebee said, pausing in her bouncing. “My wife.” 

“Oh yeah, go on it.” Cora said a brief look of surprise passing over her face. “Peebee? Figured it out?” She asked stepping to the left. Peebee didn’t respond, she still wasn’t sure what she wanted. She walked to the door Cora had stepped out of and there she was. Sara. Laying in the bed, bandages wrapped around her side, head turned away from the door. Peebee walked slowly over to the side of the bed. 

“Lexi I told you - “ Sara started to say eyes darting up to her face. “Oh Peebee.” She looked up complete surprise covering her face. “I - I didn’t think you’d - “

“Of course I came. I… you...Sara I don’t know who I would be without you.” Peebee said slowly, placing her hand on top of Sara’s. 

“But you don’t love me?” Sara said slowly looking up at her wife. 

“Of course I love you. It just...hurt too much. I...I love you too much. I saw you almost fall apart when I almost died. I saw Cora lose her mind when Scott died. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to feel that pain. That fear of that pain it pushed me away from you.” Peebee said quietly, placing her hand on Sara’s shoulder.

“You know I’m going to die right? Not today. But someday even if I lived in a bubble for the rest of my life, I’m going to die.” Sara said slowly, her hand moving up to cover Peebee’s. Sara’s hands were cold. That was something Peebee hated about hospitals. They made people’s hands cold.  She took a deep breath before answering. 

“I’d rather you die knowing I love you, then you die with me pretending I don’t. My fear doesn’t make me love you any less - and Sara? You make me brave.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed, and I am sorry for any typos. I wrote most of this when I was really unhappy - things are better now so I was finally able to write the ending I wanted. Please comment! Tell me what you loved, what you hated, what you think could be done better. Thanks.
> 
> I think that love is inherently messy - I can’t imagine that after everything that happened they would just be okay. But like that’s the thing about the kind of love they have - it worth fighting for.


End file.
